Divorce: To Stay or To Go
Part of "The Choices We Make" Series
Sometimes the choice of divorce may very well break down to the old Shakespearean quote of, "To be or not to be, that is the question." Whether to live in a continual state of pain, denial and regret or to put the past behind you and move forward with life anew. There is something to be said for starting over.
However, there is also something to be said for hanging in there and fighting for the one with whom you have so much time, pain, sweat and tears invested. It comes down to a choice we make, weighing the pros and the cons for ourselves, and if we have children foreseeing what consequences might befall on them regarding the choice we make, and finally following through whole heartedly with that choice.
This is not a life decision that should be considered rashly. Take time and consider these key factors:
1. What is your body telling you? Learn to listen to your body. In the time since you've been married have you put on weight? Have you started taking depression medication? Do you bite off the head of every person that asks you a question? Or have you managed to remain calm, rational and at peace, in other words have your physical needs been met? This is a huge key and not one to be over looked. There are too many partners out there that couldn't give a rat's behind about your physical needs. If you have one weigh your factors carefully.
2. What is your heart telling you? In women mostly, our hearts usually scream out one of two things...I'm loved or I'm abandoned/neglected. Your partner took a vow to help fill your heart while you took a vow to help fill his. If you succeed in this vow and he fails, or vice versa, one heart goes full while the other remains empty. No wonder you feel empty inside all the time. Its no small wonder how a man can, probably honestly so, act surprised to learn his wife feels neglected standing there with her empty heart, while he is nurturing his own full heart.
3. Is your partner willing to seek marriage counseling? You should not have to beg. If he/she is not willing to upgrade or improve your marriage then they are not invested in it. Its that simple.
4. Watch your partners actions. Many times in prolonged tenseful situations our mouths will speak out only on and in the pain and not what is truly in the heart. Our actions, though, will speak volumes. Does he turn the light off for you at night? Does he still check the oil in your car? Does he do anything that can be considered looking out for you or protecting you, even if in a small way? If so, his heart is still in play.
5. Are there medical problems involved? Has there been a recent change in your partner's actions and behaviors? You might want to consider talking with his/her medical care physician. There are a list of problems that could impact a recent change in temperament. It wouldn't hurt to become aware of anything new, especially if it will impact your future.
6. Is the state of tension in the house escalating or something that comes and goes? If it is escalating then your mind has already been made up and you just frustrated at yourself for not acting on it.
Be a Great Divorced Dad (Google Affiliate Ad)
7. Consider how his family treats you. You might be in denial of this as well. Have you been working your hiney off for them while they close the door in your face? Do you get overlooked when they go out places? Or are you truly one of the family? Family can be a key and obvious hint. There is no telling what your spouse is telling them when you're not around.
WITH REGARD TO CHILDREN
8. Take a day or two and just watch what your home environment has become. What are your children being raised in? Is it a volatile environment while you and your spouse think you are creating a happy home. Children can pick up on the slightest fracture of tension. You are not fooling anyone. For their sake alone a decision needs to be made soon.
_________________________________________
As you might have read in my bio I recently went through a divorce. My husband and I were married for 19 years. We did not have a strong marriage but I was devoted and very loyal to him. Every day he tried his best to avoid me, not just recently, every day since our first week of marriage. He did not meet my needs physically or emotionally and I gained 100 pounds over the course of our marriage. I worked my butt off trying to keep him happy with his job and doing things for his family. It got to the point where his nephew refused to accept me as a friend on Facebook, after I had done countless things for him and his marriages/babies, and his niece treated me as a stranger at the door when I came to say hello and kiss the babies, after I had just gone in the red throwing her a baby shower.
I asked my husband to go to marriage counseling with me. His reply was, "No one knows more about marriage than me." Tension in our home was terrible and our kids were suffering for it. I could no longer ignore it.
These things together with the steps taken above made me realize I was only fooling myself. My body already knew I was miserable. My heart definitely knew I was miserable. My brain and my pride still could not accept the truth. I couldn't believe I had married someone who never loved me. I couldn't believe I had stayed in such torment and for so long without being the strong woman I knew I was, for the simple label of being someone's wife, (well, and keeping to my vow, which was also important). Yet, once I realized my vow and marriage was broken long ago by my husband, when he chose not to uphold his end, that I was dragging a dead horse in the dirt, then I was able to accept the truth and Free Myself!
Four months later I've already lost 50 pounds. Now that is happiness and strength. And just yesterday my kids, who are so much happier than I've seen them in a long time, told me they don't understand why kids today have such a hard time with divorce.
To much depends on the outcome of your decision. If you are facing anything similar to what I was facing don't continue lingering in self denial and self abuse. You will know when you are ready to make your choice. Believe in yourself and make it. If you are lucky enough to have the opportunity and reason to fight for your marriage then stay and fight. A good partner is worth the time and effort.
This is not a life decision that should be considered rashly. Take time and consider these key factors:
1. What is your body telling you? Learn to listen to your body. In the time since you've been married have you put on weight? Have you started taking depression medication? Do you bite off the head of every person that asks you a question? Or have you managed to remain calm, rational and at peace, in other words have your physical needs been met? This is a huge key and not one to be over looked. There are too many partners out there that couldn't give a rat's behind about your physical needs. If you have one weigh your factors carefully.
2. What is your heart telling you? In women mostly, our hearts usually scream out one of two things...I'm loved or I'm abandoned/neglected. Your partner took a vow to help fill your heart while you took a vow to help fill his. If you succeed in this vow and he fails, or vice versa, one heart goes full while the other remains empty. No wonder you feel empty inside all the time. Its no small wonder how a man can, probably honestly so, act surprised to learn his wife feels neglected standing there with her empty heart, while he is nurturing his own full heart.
3. Is your partner willing to seek marriage counseling? You should not have to beg. If he/she is not willing to upgrade or improve your marriage then they are not invested in it. Its that simple.
4. Watch your partners actions. Many times in prolonged tenseful situations our mouths will speak out only on and in the pain and not what is truly in the heart. Our actions, though, will speak volumes. Does he turn the light off for you at night? Does he still check the oil in your car? Does he do anything that can be considered looking out for you or protecting you, even if in a small way? If so, his heart is still in play.
5. Are there medical problems involved? Has there been a recent change in your partner's actions and behaviors? You might want to consider talking with his/her medical care physician. There are a list of problems that could impact a recent change in temperament. It wouldn't hurt to become aware of anything new, especially if it will impact your future.
6. Is the state of tension in the house escalating or something that comes and goes? If it is escalating then your mind has already been made up and you just frustrated at yourself for not acting on it.
Be a Great Divorced Dad (Google Affiliate Ad)
7. Consider how his family treats you. You might be in denial of this as well. Have you been working your hiney off for them while they close the door in your face? Do you get overlooked when they go out places? Or are you truly one of the family? Family can be a key and obvious hint. There is no telling what your spouse is telling them when you're not around.
WITH REGARD TO CHILDREN
8. Take a day or two and just watch what your home environment has become. What are your children being raised in? Is it a volatile environment while you and your spouse think you are creating a happy home. Children can pick up on the slightest fracture of tension. You are not fooling anyone. For their sake alone a decision needs to be made soon.
_________________________________________
As you might have read in my bio I recently went through a divorce. My husband and I were married for 19 years. We did not have a strong marriage but I was devoted and very loyal to him. Every day he tried his best to avoid me, not just recently, every day since our first week of marriage. He did not meet my needs physically or emotionally and I gained 100 pounds over the course of our marriage. I worked my butt off trying to keep him happy with his job and doing things for his family. It got to the point where his nephew refused to accept me as a friend on Facebook, after I had done countless things for him and his marriages/babies, and his niece treated me as a stranger at the door when I came to say hello and kiss the babies, after I had just gone in the red throwing her a baby shower.
I asked my husband to go to marriage counseling with me. His reply was, "No one knows more about marriage than me." Tension in our home was terrible and our kids were suffering for it. I could no longer ignore it.
These things together with the steps taken above made me realize I was only fooling myself. My body already knew I was miserable. My heart definitely knew I was miserable. My brain and my pride still could not accept the truth. I couldn't believe I had married someone who never loved me. I couldn't believe I had stayed in such torment and for so long without being the strong woman I knew I was, for the simple label of being someone's wife, (well, and keeping to my vow, which was also important). Yet, once I realized my vow and marriage was broken long ago by my husband, when he chose not to uphold his end, that I was dragging a dead horse in the dirt, then I was able to accept the truth and Free Myself!
Four months later I've already lost 50 pounds. Now that is happiness and strength. And just yesterday my kids, who are so much happier than I've seen them in a long time, told me they don't understand why kids today have such a hard time with divorce.
To much depends on the outcome of your decision. If you are facing anything similar to what I was facing don't continue lingering in self denial and self abuse. You will know when you are ready to make your choice. Believe in yourself and make it. If you are lucky enough to have the opportunity and reason to fight for your marriage then stay and fight. A good partner is worth the time and effort.
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